Before We Begin…
…I would just like to point out that this post is not paying homage to the epic Broadway musical Wicked, even though it happens to be one of my absolute all-time favorites. Moving on…
I have never been the type of girl to push the “I believe!” button. Even my first word evidenced my tendency to question those things that should be taken at face value. I believe in finding things out for myself.
Just to let y’all know, gravity works. I’ve tested it many times in the hopes that I’ve finally discovered its Kryptonite. Alas, I do believe that it is my own natural weakness…my Achilles heel…constantly lurking in the wings of my life to try to sabotage my every move.
To quote Cameron Diaz, “I’ve been noticing gravity since I was very young.” My early attempts at umbrella-powered flight were always thwarted. I learned that falling backwards off of my swing in midair hurt. A lot. Every pair of jeans and Little L’eggs tights had holes in their knees thanks to that unseen force…and my pink Huffy bike and Fisher Price roller skates.
However, I am fairly certain that my propensity for gravity-related mishaps greatly increased as soon as I turned 13. I hated being 13. Yes, I could dangle my teen status over my younger sister’s head, but she was still taller than me so she was less than impressed. I fell off the stage at my piano recital that year. Now that I’m older, such an event wouldn’t phase me all that much. But at 13, I wanted nothing more than to be whisked away into Narnia by Prince Caspian and Queen Susan’s horn as soon as it happened. There was no reason for me to rush back. I could even die fighting at the Battle of Beruna. Sure, my lifeless body would probably shock and sadden my family, but at least I wouldn’t have died of embarrassment.
Unfortunately, no otherworldly call came for me that day. Or the day that I performed a magnificent swan dive over a chair in a very crowded space, resulting in a broken wrist that sported a hot purple cast for 6 months, and quite possibly the most ridiculous salute ever immortalized in a girl’s Junior Sailor of the Year award photo ever. Or the day that I dropped a 150-pound computer on myself. I could go on (and on and on), but why belabor the point?
One day, I will catch Gravity while it’s slacking on its coffee break, and at that moment, I will become free of my nemesis. Until that glorious day, I can rest easy, knowing in my heart that I am keeping sundry medical personnel and the manufacturers of first aid and cleaning suppliers gainfully employed.